One Degree Under

The end of all arguments.

This is an eventuality and begins now. Though it doesn’t end all disagreements, they are healthy and should be sustained and maintained and understood and valued.

The goal in this is not to avoid arguing, but to solve arguments, to relieve the heat, the impetus, that drives them beyond reason. Solutions aren’t always agreements, unless we agree to disagree, but it’s difficult to settle at that initially. It’s hard once tempers flare, then every position feels crazy, even my own, though in such a moment I’m unlikely to admit that. And so in a way, this means the goal is to be less destructive, less hurtful, less harmful, so as not to destroy the other person in the attempt to destroy their argument. In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to forget that we are arguing with a real person. We would not want to destroy them, but wreck but their position, their standing, and even that shouldn’t be the goal; needn’t be at least.

I accidentally learned a secret to this.

People’s tempers don’t often want to flare but are drawn into it, coaxed into it, bullied into it. It flares beyond their meaning, beyond their reason, beyond their control, beyond their intent and they dislike it as much as everyone else does. It begins with a needing to be heard, and the solution is felt through your agreement, but we can have a solution without agreement, and that is often misunderstood, overlooked. The true solution, the true desire, is to be witnessed, to be heard, to be witnessed in our truth, to be heard for our feelings and our position, our understanding or lack of; to be seen in our own truth.

And for this, to see the others in their own truth, we must allow our feelings to soften, like marshmallow, accepting the rebuff and not feeling it as an affront or an attack. So the more we see, the more they show, the softer and more welcoming we become. This is the aim, this is the real goal, and it’s achievable surprisingly quite easily.

But it is still difficult once tempers flare and emotions roil.

And so, what then? Once tempers have flared and the moment has already been lost in unwillingness, unpreparedness, an inability to accept the other as equal, as viable for witnessing. The secret is to reclaim their viability for them, for us, for our sanity, our mutual sanity. And for this, we have the technique I call, “One degree under.”

***

“One degree under.”

So, I realize an argument has begun, has started, and begin to feel the heat of the anger, as much in me as in the other. I feel the impetus to respond. The time is now. But before I retort in anger, there is one task I must undertake first. And that is to measure the heat of my opponents’ anger, particularly in their last response, the last claim, the last outburst.

With that newfound knowledge I charge my heat, but one degree under, and I serve my response with that level of heat, that degree of anger, but most importantly at one degree less than the other. And then out it comes. All I have to say, my argument flying freely, but with restraint, of heat and anger, an ongoing awareness of how I’m expressing, my degree of heat, venom.

Being mindful of this, two or three times in a row as I respond, is all that is required to completely defuse an argument. Often seeing it end, in humor, laughter, camaraderie, renewal of friendship, of relationship, of honor. We have successfully witnessed the moment.

Now feel free to enjoy the disagreement consciously.

What argument, love? Love.